Finding Joy in the Mess-Up!

Finding Joy in the Mess-Up? Seems like a hard thing to do; usually after we mess up we are filled with recrimination and shame and the last thing we are capable of doing is finding Joy. Well this week's Torah Portion, "Ki Tisa"  may offer some insight.
The fact that the  Torah is a divine instruction manual does not prevent it from being filled with renderings of human frailty, but the events recorded in this week's reading are on a whole new level! The Jews left the slavery of Egypt in order that they could serve G-d. They arrived at  Mt Sinai and  experienced a multi media presentation par excellence during which G-d Himself revealed  the 10 Commandments. Even those of us not so into our religious studies do know that those commandments did include "Do not worship any other gods..."( You shall not possess an idol of other deities , nor make for yourself a sculptured image...), yet barely 40 days later the Jews managed to create and dance in front of the Golden Calf....what gives??
Even if we accept the argument , and there are many, that the Jews had not given up on G-d ( G-d forbid... ! lol ) , but were just looking for a different manner in which to relate to G-d in the physical world, they still transgressed a commandment for which the penalties were extremely severe...and yet this weeks Portion is called Ki Tisa which means "When you raise Up" . How are we raised up by reading about this...? Surely we should be  brought  down by reading of how fallible they were?? Yet this portion contains the revelation of G-d's 13 attributes of Compassion and also describes how Moshe obtained the second set of Tablets. This weeks portion is really a how to of managing a failure ....( beg and plead for forgiveness mostly and resolve to be different in the future) ; and also shows us how the Torah that we really have, as represented by the second set of tablets, is really a Torah for the imperfect.
Just like the saying, " There  is nothing as whole as a broken heart" conveys the beauty of vulnerability, so too  does the fact that the very Torah which we actually do have, is the Torah written on the sapphire that Moshe himself quarried from beneath his own tent, and lugged up Mt. Sinai , as the first set of tablets were shattered and broken. G-d once again inscribes His Divine guidance on stone, but this time for a clearly imperfect and repentant people, and we all get to have our second chance.

Having a Torah that acknowledges our innate imperfections is very reassuring, we are not expected to be angels, and even when our mistakes are grandiose, there is a way back and a path of repair.

Regarding the timing of when this Torah portion is read is also of significance.

We are now in the the first of  the two months of Adar.This year is a leap year and brings into alignment the Gregorian solar calendar  and the Jewish lunar calendar by adding in an extra month.  In a leap year there are two Adar months, ( basically the Pisces of the Zodiac calendar), an Adar 1, and an Adar 2. (In a 19 year cycle there will be 7 leap years.)
Adar is a month associated with Joy. In a leap year we have 60 days in which the main form of divine service is "Serving G-d with Joy".  During a leap year, we have 60 days in which we can refine the more primitive and undeveloped aspects of our personalities... through Joy!  The Joy climaxes with the holiday of Purim which celebrates the over turning of the evil decree of Haman who wished to destroy all Jewish men, women and children.

Haman descends from the line of Amalyk, whose spiritual counterpart or quality is doubt... Amalyk  afflicts us with self doubt and doubt of G-d and His path...Haman is the evil representation of that in the physical world.  When we mess up or sin, our own self doubt, or sense of unworthiness , can lead ( G-d forbid) to a sense of shame, depression or extreme sadness. Rebbe Nachman ( of Breslov.. late 1700s early 1800s)  teaches that the biggest sins  can come from us feeling bad about ourselves and depression can be the biggest evil as it leads us to feel that we are not worthy of acting in a holy way. Rebbe Nachman teaches that "You cannot  live without joy, you can exist, but live?? You cannot serve  G-d without joy.. You cannot do anything without joy!"( Rebbe Nachman's teachings in Reb Shlomo's words) In Adar , we celebrate that Haman was defeated, through the self sacrifice and dedication of Esther and the prayers of the Jewish people and we celebrate with great joy. Joy is the path to overcome many of our enemies, both internal and external!

Reading the Parsha of Ki Tisa in a month whose service is joy connects us to the idea, that a path of repentance and a path of fixing, must be followed in a spirit of joy. Like the Alter Rebbe teaches in Tanya, if we want to overcome our enemy ( our own negative "personality")  we should imagine ourselves like a wrestler in the ring facing our opponent: being down and sad will make us lethargic and slothful, but  attempting to defeat our negativity in a way of joy will enable us to be flexible, fast and effective.

Reading about the sin of the Jews in the desert with regard to the Golden Calf, and then reading about how that sin was followed with the revelation of G-d's compassion and a re-giving of the Tablets, can inspire us to be compassionate towards ourselves when we mess up, and can inspire us to work on our own "stuff" in a spirit of Joy.
Le Chaim... to life, with joy!